Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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