it hurts more in the daytime
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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