You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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