This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
