That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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