Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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