My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
