my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
