oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
