I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
