Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
