I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
