And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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