Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize