either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
