Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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