her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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