I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
