My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
