I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Randomize
