How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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