It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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