Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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