This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
