my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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