I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it wasn't lemon gatorade
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
