Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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