i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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