I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
