I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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