I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
