So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
