Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize