She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
