you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
