I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
