I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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