i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize