Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
