Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
