I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
