im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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