Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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