I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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