I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
