someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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