he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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