I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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