I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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