I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
