Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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