if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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