Four minutes until I can fart!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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