we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
