i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
