we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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