3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
