Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
