Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
