Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
