Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
